Tilloo Crew...

we love to camp.

day thirty-something...

just over a month since my last post. my spirit is inching its way back to health. i'm still tired. tired of struggling against others' disillusionment, unbelief, and arrogance. tired of struggling with my own short temper. how can i defend what doesn't want or need my defense. i need some defending. my God, why don't you rise up? maybe you're up and well, and i just don't see. in that case, i've never felt so alone and downright stuck. this is not a fun feeling. the end is in sight, but it's still and miniscule and tiny light at this point.

i'd love to know the next step soon. soon. i will be where God is, and this will soon be someone else's charge. someone more qualified than me...with more experience in letting yes be yes and no be no, more grace, and hopefully someone with support. unfailing support. God, let them have a firm foundation and unfailing love.

now what?

i was reading my previous blogs today, and when i read the first paragraph from "let it be", i had to stop. less than two months ago i was praying for God to send us some excited, spirit filled, humble, servants. right now, i'm none of those things...i'm tired.

what do you do when you know how to make things better but lack the power to do so? you can't quit the situation, you can't change it, and you're watching the life that once made you a joy to others being sucked out of you faster than you can "be still and know"? what then?

goosebumps....

at first i thought this was going to be cheezy, but it's beautiful...and it gives me goosebumps. lots of versions of it to watch, but this one does it for me.

simple observations

there is no point in cooking for just me, but when i do, there are leftovers. lots of leftovers. the thing with leftovers is that it helps to have a microwave.

i'm looking after a dog in a house that i've been in several times for at least 3 weeks (a week here and there). i've never seen a microwave, so i haven't cooked. soups and sandwiches get boring after a while.

a friend came for dinner last night, slightly taller than me...not much, but at least a couple inches. what does she find? the microwave. i saw it last night for the first time. it's one of those that rests 2-3 feet above the stove. it never occured to me to just look up.

why does this matter, and why am i even admitting this? it is kind of embarassing. however, it is one of those moments that illustrates how a moment, big or small, can transcend the moment itself. too many moments in one.

i associate that moment with god...with the church. how would that moment have affected you, and what in your life makes you perceive moments differently than me?

the teacher has a point: two are better than one, a cord of three strands is not easily broken.

it makes sense.

Let it Be...

as i was writing an email to my pastor back home, it hit me. i was asking the church to pray for God to send us some humble, excited, spirit-filled servants, and it really hit me: pray for workers, there are so few.

how many of us just "are"? just "are" what we were created to "be". God is. that's his name right? He just "is" always "was" and ever "will be". if we know him, and love him above all else, shouldn't we be able to just "be"? i'm confusing myself. it's raining here, and windy, the dog, is sleeping at my feet. one of my favorite songs is playing. it's a hymn by Francis Havergal written in 1874:


"Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.

Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;

Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in ceaseless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every power as you choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee."

A beautiful prayer.

hmmm...

the stars are beautiful. every single one. and i can almost see them all. every single one.

i love walking in on sunday morning, having no idea how to get what's on the inside, outside. but some how it happens. it doesn't always happen, but yesterday, god had mercy on me...especially on the congregation. ha! honestly, they've had it bad some sundays.

we sang the song "unashamed love" by ten shekel shirt...one of my favorites. at one point i opened my eyes and looked at the congregation. my friend laura had her eyes closed and was singing the song word for word, feeling it as she sang. my friend candice read the words from the bulletin with her daughter savannah. candice's grandmother, lucille, simply sat with her eyes closed, not singing, but enjoying every word. this makes it worth it. surely, this is communion with the saints.

the words to the song are as follows:

"you're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
to quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place,
worthy, you are worthy

open up my heart and let my spirit worship yours
open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth,
worthy, you are worthy

of a childlike faith, and of my honest praise,
of my unashamed love
of a holy life, and of my sacrifice,
of my unashamed love"

lots of other interesting things going on, lots of sadness and deep joy. during the plane ride home, the sky was like something out of a fairy tale. really wonder-ful.

it's amazing and bittersweet how life moves. think of what you were doing a year ago, five years ago, twenty years ago. i was learning to talk. i'm still learning to talk. what will the congregation be singing a year from now?